my secretly gay redneck friend cheats on his wife with me

Well, it's just that, uh, I've been having some trouble with the Mrs., you know?

Okay. Go on.

She, uh, she's been accusing me of being gay.

Why would she think that you're gay?

What, did she, like, catch you jerking off to gay porn or something?

Well, uh, well, no. Nothing like that. It's just, uh, I've been trying to get more freaky in the bedroom.

And, uh, I asked her to do something.

Um, well, you see...

What did you ask her to do?

You know, anal, you know? But, uh, not with the girl.

Say what? I didn't quite catch that.

I like it done to me. I wanna be pegged.

I mean, that's not gay, bro. There's nothing gay about getting fucked in the ass by a woman's penis.

It's silicone. It's not even real. How is that gay?

That's what I said. But then she kept going on and on about how all the closeted queers wanna get pegged.

But she eventually wore her down and she agreed to it.

Okay, so she was a little bit reluctant, but when she agreed to, what's the big deal?

Well, uh, you see, I'm just afraid that it's gonna hurt too much.

...